“ Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3.3K
“ Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 1.2K
“ Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.4K
“ I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.1K
“ If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.2K
“ Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 932
“ Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3K
“ If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.7K
“ Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 626
“ If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3.9K
“ If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live). ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.4K
“ The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 289
“ Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3K
“ The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.1K
“ Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3.6K
“ The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 1K
“ If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.9K
“ If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live). ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.6K
“ The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 1.7K
“ Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 352
“ The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?! ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3.3K
“ Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 2.3K
“ It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 1.2K
“ The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 3K
“ Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 219
“ Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. ”
- Jack Handey- Copy
- 182
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