Quotes of Opener - somelinesforyou

“ I was chosen to speak due to my warm personality.... Look up warm and it means "not so hot. ”

- Unknown

“ I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. ”

- George Bernard Shaw

“ Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does. ”

- Al Bernstein

“ I'd like to tell you some jokes now, but you'd only laugh. ”

- Milton Berle

“ The recipe for a good speech includes some shortening. ”

- Unknown

“ A toastmaster is a man who eats a meal he doesn't want so he can get up and tell a lot of stories he doesn't remember to people who've already heard them. ”

- George Jessel

“ I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. ”

- Carl Sandburg

“ We noticed a crasher at the bar - that shows what a real man he is - he's here to show he's not ticked for not being asked. ”

- Unknown

“ Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating. ”

- Unknown

“ Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself. ”

- Ron Dentinger

“ Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all. ”

- Neil Simon

“ When I told her we were going to roast her, she said, "Of course,... they only crucify the innocent. ”

- Unknown

“ I don't want to be Babe Ruth. He was a great ballplayer. I'm not trying to replace him. The record is there and damn right I want to break it, but that isn't replacing Babe Ruth. ”

- Roger Maris

“ We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic,... Dr. Ted Clinic. ”

- Dave Barry

“ The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack. ”

- H. L. Mencken

“ Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands? All the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry. ”

- John Lennon

“ As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here. ”

- Unknown

“ Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume, that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection. ”

- Unknown

“ We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But, fortunately, due to a hole in the prosecution's case. ”

- Unknown

“ I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before. ”

- Unknown

“ When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied, "There's a first time for everything, so try to be funny and brief. ”

- Unknown

“ Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously, they've never heard me tell a joke. ”

- Unknown

“ Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks. ”

- Unknown

“ I'm moving down here... because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk... and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it. ”

- Unknown

“ Once you get people laughing, they're listening and you can tell them almost anything. ”

- Herbert Gardner

“ Love is blind — marriage is the eye-opener. ”

- Pauline Thomason

“ The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?! ”

- Jack Handey

“ If you walked into Netscape headquarters with a plain old modem from CompUSA they'd think it was a garage-door opener. ”

- Walter Mossberg

“ Can you imagine opening a bottle of champagne with a bottle opener. I can't. It would eliminate half the fun. ”

- Alain de Vogue

“ Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. ”

- Mark Twain
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