Quotes of Dave Barry

“ I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ”

- Dave Barry

“ What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ”

- Dave Barry

“ You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid. ”

- Dave Barry

“ You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ”

- Dave Barry

“ You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that! ”

- Dave Barry

“ It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. ”

- Dave Barry

“ My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. ”

- Dave Barry

“ All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low. fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are all connected to a special programming service called Music That Nobody Really Likes, and you cannot get away from it. ”

- Dave Barry

“ There’s nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you’ve been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income. ”

- Dave Barry

“ You should not confuse your career with your life. ”

- Dave Barry

“ If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings. ”

- Dave Barry

“ It is a welldocumented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. ”

- Dave Barry

“ I like the relaxed way in which the Japanese approach religion. I think of myself as basically a moral person, but I'm definitely not religious, and I'm very tired of the preachiness and obsession with other people's behavior characteristic of many religious people in the United States. As far as I could tell, there's nothing preachy about Buddhism. I was in a lot of temples, and I still don't know what Buddhists believe, except that at one point Kunio said 'If you do bad things, you will be reborn as an ox.' This makes as much sense to me as anything I ever heard from, for example, the Reverend Pat Robertson. ”

- Dave Barry

“ When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. ”

- Dave Barry

“ The problem with winter sports is that follow me closely here they generally take place in winter. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventyfive dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything. ”

- Dave Barry

“ The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. ”

- Dave Barry

“ I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: 'Yes, but how am I going to pay the creditcard company?' Don't be silly. You have a tank, right? ”

- Dave Barry

“ Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? ”

- Dave Barry

“ I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. ”

- Dave Barry

“ As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse. ”

- Dave Barry

“ Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ”

- Dave Barry
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