Quotes of Funny

“ Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. ”

- Spanish proverb

“ When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. ”

- Rodney Dangerfield

“ Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. ”

- Mitch Hedberg

“ I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. ”

- Mitch Hedberg

“ I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. ”

- Lily Tomlin

“ Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ”

- Mark Twain

“ Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. ”

- Billy Sunday

“ I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ”

- Mark Twain

“ When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ”

- Cathy Guisewite

“ That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ”

- George Carlin

“ If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. ”

- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“ A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ”

- George Bernard Shaw

“ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ”

- Fred Allen

“ If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ”

- Steven Wright

“ The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. ”

- Gore Vidal

“ The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. ”

- Albert Einstein

“ The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. ”

- Mark Twain

“ The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. ”

- Joan Rivers

“ Reality continues to ruin my life. ”

- Bill Watterson

“ Never miss a good chance to shut up. ”

- Will Rogers

“ I’m addicted to placebos. ”

- Steven Wright

“ I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. ”

- Pablo Picasso

“ Puns are the highest form of literature. ”

- Alfred Hitchcock

“ All generalizations are false, including this one. ”

- Mark Twain

“ If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower. ”

- Mitch Hedberg

“ My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. ”

- Unknown

“ I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head. ”

- Steven Wright

“ I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ”

- Steven Wright

“ I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. ”

- Steven Wright

“ I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror. ”

- Danny Zuker
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