“ Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 1.9K
“ I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 2.5K
“ My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 2.7K
“ I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'… ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 484
“ I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 2.1K
“ I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher… ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 2.3K
“ I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 1.5K
“ I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 3.7K
“ My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 1.9K
“ I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'… ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 1.3K
“ I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut… ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 3.3K
“ I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 133
“ Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 654
“ The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 117
“ My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 1.3K
“ The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 875
“ The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. ”
- Mitch Hedberg- Copy
- 3.7K
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