Quotes of Jay Leno

“ You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that. ”

- Jay Leno

“ If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ”

- Jay Leno

“ I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. ”

- Jay Leno

“ My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that’s OK! ”

- Jay Leno

“ My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that’s OK! ”

- Jay Leno

“ Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? ”

- Jay Leno

“ With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance? ”

- Jay Leno

“ The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Of course with John McCain out of the race, George W. Bush has to pick a running mate. Which is kind of a scary proposition when you think about it. I mean his dad picked Dan Quayle, an he isn't as smart as his dad. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language. ”

- Jay Leno

“ If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ”

- Jay Leno

“ If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ”

- Jay Leno

“ If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ”

- Jay Leno

“ If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ”

- Jay Leno

“ It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers. ”

- Jay Leno

“ The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. ”

- Jay Leno

“ For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! ”

- Jay Leno

“ The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad. ”

- Jay Leno

“ The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue. ”

- Jay Leno

“ There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves. ”

- Jay Leno

“ At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day. ”

- Jay Leno

“ President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room. ”

- Jay Leno

“ Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan? ”

- Jay Leno

“ John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not. ”

- Jay Leno
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