Quotes of Emo Philips

“ My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. ”

- Emo Philips

“ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ”

- Emo Philips

“ You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. ”

- Emo Philips

“ My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I'm a great lover, I'll bet. ”

- Emo Philips

“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”

- Emo Philips

“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”

- Emo Philips

“ When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. ”

- Emo Philips

“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”

- Emo Philips

“ The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks. ”

- Emo Philips

“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”

- Emo Philips

“ New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, I'd like a card. He says, You have to prove you're a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?". ”

- Emo Philips

“ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ”

- Emo Philips

“ A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ”

- Emo Philips

“ My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. ”

- Emo Philips

“ You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ”

- Emo Philips

“ My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. ”

- Emo Philips

“ You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. ”

- Emo Philips

“ Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? ”

- Emo Philips

“ I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. ”

- Emo Philips

“ Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. ”

- Emo Philips

“ I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'. ”

- Emo Philips
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